Every Christian periodically experiences identity crises that can potentially lead them to live as slaves and not sons to God. Identity crises result from identity confusion, often influenced by the father’s wound and or worthiness wound. Many Christians struggle with legalism (perfectionistic performance of obeying the law to obtain righteousness and or acceptance from God) from having these “identity issues”, falsely believing “God isn’t a perfect father, and that love, righteousness, and acceptance must be earned.”
“Now you are no longer a slave but God’s own child” (Galatians 4:7).
Our identity as Christians is that we are children of God, perfectly loved by a perfect Abba Father. We are His sons and daughters, not slaves to Him.
Satan’s objective is to cause us not to believe in and live out the freedom of our identity as perfectly loved children of God, by attempting to create in us a sense of separation from love. One method he uses to achieve this is to make us believe that “God isn’t a perfect father and that His love and acceptance must be earned through performance and perfectionism”. When we try to earn God’s love and acceptance, we tend to live as slaves and not sons.
Gotquestions.org describes the difference between living as a slave and a son:
“Slaves may perform duties; sons perform acts of love. Slaves dutifully obey; sons gladly obey. Slaves are motivated by fear of punishment; sons are motivated by love of the relationship. Slaves ask, “What is required?” Sons ask, “What else can I do for you?”
Motivated by fear of punishment, including withdrawal of the Father’s love and acceptance, Christians often fall into the trap of living as slaves and not sons.
Christians have constant identity issues (and possibly later live as slaves and not sons) because they doubt God is a perfect father, believing His love has to be earned. Identity confusion about who they are in Christ leads to identity issues and sometimes identity crises in the Christian life, which are often evident by the person living as a slave and not a son. According to Mark DeJesus, identity confusion results when we “base who we are (our identity) on a faulty definition or criteria”:
When we incorrectly base “who I am” on “what I do or achieve”, our minds have a “performance-based mindset” toward God and other people, from whom we attempt to receive love, validation, and acceptance.
When we falsely base “who I am” on “how well I do it”, it leads to a perfectionistic mindset in us, in conjunction with our already performance-based mindset of trying to earn God’s (and people’s) love, validation, and acceptance through works and performance.
When we wrongly base “who I am” on “what I am currently struggling with”, we often believe we are “no good” in our thought patterns, as we experience sin struggles, “condemnation”, and “accusations from Satan” when we fail to live a life pleasing to God.
“Out of our identity, influences how we see ourselves, it guides and influences what we focus on, what thoughts we do and do not listen to, how we behave in the world we live in, what gives fear more room, and what we focus on and or ruminate about” (DeJesus). If we have a false perception of our identity through identity confusion, we will often struggle in life, failing to live the life God intended for us.
For the sake of freedom, “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life” (Proverbs 4:23).
The Struggle of Knowing the Father Loves You
Identity is first developed by learning from your earthly father that Abba Father loves you, as God intends earthly fathers to be good examples of God’s love. Unfortunately, many of us have had a bad father who failed to properly love us as a child, making us believe we are no good and unworthy of love, and for some, possibly that God, like our earthly father, is an “angry, condemning, punishing, unloving father” we should distrust and be afraid of.
A child is supposed to know they are loved and accepted by their father, which helps build a strong identity in the child, as being perfectly loved by their father. The love of the earthly father is also meant to represent the love of the Abba Father properly, a perfect, unconditional love that perfectly loves, cherishes, accepts, forgives, and affirms the child. This ideal love never needs to be earned.
Knowing we are loved, accepted, and chosen by God brings a deep sense of belonging, purpose, and worth to us. To be a child of God is to have our identity rooted in His perfect love. Unfortunately, because earthly fathers failed to be perfect fathers, a “worthiness wound” has formed in the hearts of many unloved children, leading to identity confusion and creating a perfectionistic, performance-based mindset in them, causing many Christians to attempt to earn the love of Abba Father, living as slaves and not sons.
The Worthiness Wound, Often Caused by the Father’s Wound
Just as a child can experience the father’s wound from a lack of love from the father, a person with the father’s wound can also have the worthiness wound from the same experiences of receiving insufficient love from his or her father that produced the father’s wound. Thus, the father’s wound is a potential cause of the worthiness wound.
Christians who have the worthiness wound believe they are insufficient as they are – there is “something fundamentally flawed, broken, unlovable about them”. “When a child’s emotional needs for validation, love, or safety are not consistently met, they may internalize the belief that their worth is conditional – something they must earn by being ‘better,’ ‘perfect’, or ‘acceptable.’” Because of their worthiness wound, these individuals believe they have to “do more, be more, or achieve more”, to be “worthy of love and belonging”.
Perfectionism and the Worthiness Wound
To counteract the emotional pain of the worthiness wound, people with such a wound use perfectionism as a defense mechanism, believing “if I’m perfect, I won’t be rejected. If I’m perfect, I’ll finally be loved.” Unfortunately, practicing perfectionism doesn’t heal the worthiness wound: the more a person attributes his or her worth to “external achievements, appearance, or others’ approval”, perfectionism only validates their incorrect belief that “worthiness is conditional” and that “love must be earned.”
Perfectionism keeps the Christian’s worthiness wound “alive and unhealed” until they no longer believe, “I am only worthy if I am perfect.” Until this happens, trying to earn God’s love through perfect performance keeps the individual in a futile, vicious cycle:
- Rooted in a desire to prove their worth, the perfectionist sets impossibly high standards for themselves.
- Unfortunately, because no one is perfect, failure becomes inevitable when trying to meet these impossible standards.
- This failure leads to self-criticism and self-judgment, “reinforcing feelings of inadequacy”.
- To avoid these “bad feelings”, the individual motivates himself and renews his perfectionistic efforts toward trying to earn God’s love through performance. The cycle continues until he finally realizes that “God’s love cannot be earned” and that he is accepted and loved unconditionally by God, despite his imperfections, and that God is a perfect father, unlike his earthly father.
Final Thoughts
When we can trust in the love and character of God, we can then receive the needed love from our Father in Heaven through a daily intimate, abiding relationship with Him, and we can, over time, receive healing from our worthiness and father wounds. When this happens, we are more likely to live as sons and not slaves. For this to happen, we must rid ourselves of our performance and perfectionistic tendencies toward God, which result from identity confusion and the father/worthiness wound. To do this, we must believe in our hearts that “God’s love and acceptance are not earned; it is freely given through grace.” Unfortunately, many Christians experience the ‘worthiness wound’ and thus engage in legalism, which becomes a roadblock in this pursuit.
A Love That Cannot Be Earned, Part 2
Sources: