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Mental Illness Recovery Story,  Chapter 16

Celibacy Struggles

Jesus says in Matthew 5:28: “But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart”. Several years ago, God told me it wasn’t His will for me to have a mate. “It will interfere with my purpose of you. You will make great change to your world. However, I will give you friends to do things with.” That is what I believe God said to me. Being without a woman for basically my entire life has been a real hard path to follow, but I am willing to do it for God’s purposes.

However, trying to be celibate has led to much masturbation. Having “impure thoughts” while masturbating is the sin I struggle with the most. It is also the transgression I fear the most condemnation after committing. When masturbating, I normally have fantasies of having forced sex with a woman, who in real life is married. That “lust” represents the “sin of adultery” in my mind. What is a worse transgression, is the many times “graphic, violent imaginations” I have when fantasizing about her and sex. In my subconscious fantasies, I portray my stepdad as being the “woman” who “I handcuff” during my masturbation experience. The reason why “my stepdad” is the “woman” is that females are generally considered a weaker gender in most cultures today. And the reason why “I handcuff her”, is that I imagine being “in control” of the abusive men of my past , something I never experienced as a child. The “violent acts” I inflict upon “my past abusers” represent my pent-up desires to release aggression on those who hurt me before. Also note that most of “abusive acts” I do to the “stepdad-woman” are the same or similar acts of abuse done to me as a child. So, in essence, when I masturbate, I fantasize about being in control of the stepdad in my mind. Even though I commit my “violent acts” in a safe, nonthreatening environment (aka my bed and fantasies and not in real life to someone), I still feel much guilt and shame after committing the sins of shame and hateful violence. I try hard not to masturbate, and especially, not to have violent fantasies. So I pray to God, when I do masturbate, enable me to do it in a way that pleases Him. It has helped some, but still often a struggle. I would never in real life hurt anyone. It is just a fantasy. However, I often feel real bad that “these violent thoughts are in my mind.” Maybe that I is why I feel so much guilt, shame, and condemnation after committing the acts.



What helps to ease my mind after committing these sins is to realize the love and power of God’s grace, and the fact that Christ still died for me (and you), in spite of all the sins God knew I would commit in my lifetime. That an all-knowing God truly understands all my abusive hurts and pains, and that I have an advocate named Jesus who is on my side. Jesus bore the punishment for all our sins –  all because God desperately wants to spend eternity with me and other Prodigal Sons. We just need to courage to daily listen to these Truths.   father567